Control.

Before I go into these next few paragraphs let me just say that I realize I have issues... My husband deserves a MEDAL for putting up with me. :) I am very aware that most people are not like me. Ehem. Ok.

Today I went to the doctor and Felix is going to have to be referred to a specialist. He has had a plugged tear duct for about a year and it just won't go away. I am so sad for him that he will be put through more probing and prying but also comes this other feeling...embarrassment? And then I realize that this feeling is and always has been a part of my life...and has followed me into motherhood. I remember being embarrassed that I had high blood pressure while pregnant and would hesitate to tell people. I guess I wanted people to believe that I was good at being pregnant?? Not sure the logic there. Haha Then when Felix was born I was defensive that he had jaundice...As he got older I was embarrassed that he had eczema and we had to give him zyrtec every night and put ointment on his skin and that he always had scabs where he scratched himself (still does). I hated when people asked me what happened to his head and having to say he scratches himself. When he was eight months old I hated admitting he didn't ALWAYS sleep through the night. I don't tell people that Felix cries almost every time I put him to bed. I am sad that my once rolly-polly baby is pretty short and still only 22 1/2 lbs. Now, at 13 months I am feeling like a horrible mother because my son STILL has a plugged tear duct and probably might possibly need surgery.

All these things are not in my control. Why do I need to have control all the time? Why do I feel personally responsible if my child doesn't wave to the the stranger in the grocery store? Or that he always has a frown on his face? (A very cute frown but still...) It makes no sense. Oh wait, yes it does. It's called pride. I am prideful and feel like I must always have everything together. Guess what? I don't...and probably never will. I could give you another list of all the things I fall short on but I think you get the point... I am learning so much being a mom. It is WAY more problem solving than I ever anticipated and I feel very inadequate most days...but God is still faithful to give me the strength I need. Every day I need to remind myself that God is in control and to give Him all the things that I can't control and trust that he can take care of it...and that I don't need to be EMBARRASSED about it. I'm sure he didn't give me the fattest, healthiest baby because I need to stay humble. :) AND I wouldn't trade my rambunctious little scabbed, goopy baby for ANYTHING! :) After all...he is pretty darn cute. I am so blessed!

Proverbs 26:12- Do you see a man who is wise in his own eyes? there is more hope for a fool than for him.

2 Corinthians 10:12- For we dare not class ourselves or compare ourselves with those who commend themselves. But they, measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise.

Being a Mom

My son is so cute. For real. He really is. I tell him this every day...throughout the day...probably nearly a hundred times a day. I am fascinated by his chubby cheeks, neck rolls, drooly lips, smiles, giggles, fingers, toes...and just every thing about him. When he goes to sleep I can't wait till he wakes up. (that is unless it is at an ungodly hour) ;) Because of all his cuteness he definitely does get a fair amount of kisses...I kiss him lots. I'm so thankful that God has put this little someone in my life to teach me things about myself.

I was NEVER a good babysitter. I honestly never enjoyed it. I think every high school girl gets babysitting jobs and I would DREAD them. I didn't dread the kids...just the idea of playing "mom" for a few hours. I would get so nervous before I had to leave and vow never to say yes to another babysitting offer. Eventually I even got a job at a day care...how I managed that I don't know...Anyway, the point is...I never saw myself as a mom. Never.

I am so glad though, that God thought I could do the job alright. I already have learned so much about myself through Felix. I've learned that I am impatient, selfish and very bad with nail clippers. :/ I have also learned that babies are very forgiving. I am already thinking of fun ways to help him learn...My mom was such a good teacher and I hope I can be half as good.

I thought I'd just update you all on my sweet boy. We just went to the pediatrician for his FOUR MONTH check up! He is doing very well. Getting his shots is harder on me than it is on him I think. :( He is 15lbs 8oz and 25 2/3 inches long. All his percentages are very average. 65% for weight and 75% for height and head circumference. A perfectly average baby. :) He is capable of rolling over, but refuses to...I almost think he's getting worse at it. He will flail his arms out on his sides like a beached whale. haha It is quite entertaining. Um, he JUST ate his first bite of real food this morning and I will have a video on my facebook soon! I was so excited to give him real food. I have been feeling guilty for eating in front of him. :/  He loves to spit and fake cough. He is quite the drama king. I have NO IDEA where he got that... ;)  Well, I guess that's all I can think of. In other news I chopped my hair off...still getting used to it...